Battle Worn

Something felt wrong. My passion for my faith had dwindled.

As a new believer in Yeshua (Jesus), I was on fire for God, wanting to share with everyone around me. At the time that meant my (ex) husband, my son and the world through this very blog. With having an unbelieving spouse at the time who was hostile towards my faith, I was always on the defensive. The Holy Spirit guided me in how to stand up for my faith, and with the Holy Spirit I was immovable.

When they arrest you and hand you over, do not worry beforehand about what to say. Say whatever is given to you in that hour, for it is not you who speaks but the Ruach ha-Kodesh. • Mark 13:11 TLV •

No matter the attacks made toward me, I grew in strength, knowledge and conviction. I chose to obey God despite the constant battle in my own home. The tide began to turn when I was not allowed to read the Bible to my son, and when I did the children's Bible was then thrown into the garage.

Message received. I was not free to share my faith with the child God had blessed us with.

Ultimately the abuse I endured led to our divorce, but God. BUT GOD. Oh he had much greater plans for my son and I, I just couldn't see it yet. Working as a single mother to provide was draining to say the least, but I was free. Free to practice my beliefs, and to share them. Free to celebrate Gods feasts (Passover first, then added in others), after being barred for years.

New memories created. New callings to follow. I was energized from the restoration that God was doing in my life and heart. Praise Yah! God had answered my prayer for a Messiah loving husband who encourages me to follow my convictions. AND He has blessed us with two more children. (He lavishes his love on us doesn't he?)

Life has been good. But lately something felt wrong. Why wasn't I as passionate about sharing my faith as I was in the beginning? Why did I feel a distance with God? Was I doing what God has called me to do? I found that I didn't grip Yeshua as tightly. What was wrong with my heart?

I felt battle worn.

Living in hostility toward my faith, on guard every moment of the day. Holding on just as tightly as I could to Yahweh. Gripping to the fringes of His garment. That was how I started my faith. And I didn't know any other type. I didn't and still struggle knowing how to rest in Him; to just be and be filled with JOY in his presence.

There is a stark difference between desperately crying at his feet and basking joyfully in his radiance. While both are acceptable to God, I am still learning how to do the latter. The only thing I can say is that Gods grace is sufficient. Yeshua gave his life for mine. There's nothing more that I need to do because God is faithful even when I am not.

Healing isn't linear, and neither is our faith journey. There will be hills and valleys, instead of letting our feelings lead - let us praise and go to Yah everyday, and in every circumstance.

For if, while we were yet enemies, we were reconciled to God through the death of His Son, how much more, having been reconciled, shall we be saved by His life. And not only that, but we also boast in God through our Lord Yeshua the Messiah, through whom we have now received reconciliation. • Romans 5:10-11 TLV •

In the Messiah's love,