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  • Tara Joy Larrick

Forgiven: My Internal Struggle

I really don't want to come off as if I have it all together on this blog because I most certainly don't!

That being said, I promise you that my posts and pictures won't be "Pinterest Perfect",

they will be real, and honest.

I would like to be a support, not a place where you feel as if you don't measure up.

I am going to cut through all of the facades and be completely honest with you about my life, my struggles, faith journey, beliefs, opinions, and projects. I know I am not alone in this and so should you.

So, let's be real.

I have many internal struggles, things I battle with on a daily basis. There is one fight that has had a hold of me ever since I was born again last year.

As I am going about my day; doing the dishes, driving down the road, listening to music. I get attacked from every direction. A voice reminding me of my mistakes, failures and regrets. Like a bad film replayed in the theater of my mind.

Thoughts of "I wish I did this..:, "If I only had done this instead then that wouldn't have happened" "If I could go back.." "You are so stupid to have done that.." "God will never forgive you for that."

"Shoulda, Woulda, Coulda" thoughts flood in once I allow the gate to be opened.

And what is left after all of those thoughts and reminders?

Shame, shame is all that is left. Shame of how I screwed things up, shame for hurting God and placing my sins on Christ, the innocent. Shame of how dirty and terrible I feel.

It has been a constant battle since I began growing closer to Christ. A struggle with my past. The inability to let it go and allow myself to truly know that I am not that person anymore.

Do any of you struggle with this as well?

Have you wondered why those thoughts and memories keep getting trudged back up?

We have been forgiven but I think that it is hard for us to grasp how loving and merciful our God is. As soon as we ask for forgiveness our sin is BLOTTED out of his book. We have a tendency to have a terrible short term memory of that fact.

"I, even I, am he who blots out your transgressions, for my own sake, and remembers your sins no more. Isaiah 43:25

I also believe that satan uses our past, through our thoughts and feelings, in order to make us feel ashamed for our past mistakes. To remind us of our unworthiness to Jesus Christs' love and to drive a wedge between us and God. God has already forgotten what we did, but satan wants to remind us of it so that we forget Gods truth. To make us feel as if how we feel MUST be how God feels too.

Satan wants us to fall flat on our faces, and fall away from Christ.

But I tell you what, when I fall I am going to get back up and run (not walk, not hesitate but RUN) straight into my Fathers' arms for comfort.

When we are reminded of all our sins we need to remember his promise of mercy and love.

The past is the past and there is nothing you or I can do to change it. But we can stop it from effecting our future. We can forgive ourselves just as Christ has and continue on with his plan.

The LORD is merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love. He will not always chide, nor will he keep his anger forever. He does not deal with us according to our sins, nor repay us according to our iniquities. For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his steadfast love toward those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far does he remove our transgressions from us.Psalm 103:8-12

Satan will bring up the past in our minds and we must fight every inkling of dwelling on it which opens you up to satan's powers. We need to stop him in his tracks and say, "I have been forgiven, His blood makes me white as snow!" Though it may feel silly say it out loud a few times and those thoughts of your past will flee from you.

We have been forgiven my friends. God said, "Go and sin no more." John 8:11 We have been giving a second chance at life to sin no more. It is a struggle, and satan will do everything to make us fall but I encourage you that even when we do fall lets get back up and head straight into Gods arms.

I want to leave you with a thought to ponder.

On Nathan Tasker's blog post How To Solve a Problem Like..? He raises an interesting question.

If our God is perfect and His plan for us and our lives is perfect. Don't you think that it was in his plan for us to make those mistakes to refine us and lead us to where we are now?

Why are we dwelling things that we see as mistakes but in reality were apart of Gods perfect plan?

photo credit: Chiara Stevani via photopin cc


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